Love

It seems like there are many kinds of love, on a different scale, a spectrum, but something happened tonight. I’m so grateful to all the friends I have, and especially those who I hold so dear, but tonight taught me something. When you think you may have lost someone, something happens to you. Clear of any other emotions, when you really feel you’ve lost something, a friend, no matter how the spectrum passes, something within you starts that you didn’t ever think possible. You move, your actions become completely in motion, and you are certain no matter any of your external thoughts that you’ll do whatever you can to protect the ones you love. I thought I lost someone tonight, I didn’t, but I’ve never been so strongly bonded to them. There are cadences in relationships, but when it’s really important, beyond words, You just love. And when this becomes clear, it’s the only thing you can feel, without any selfish action. One of the central questions in Ulysees, by James Joyce, which I read so long ago, is the inquiry, “Would you move to save a drowning man”. I know that this is without question, yes.

First day in Fairfax

We finally finished moving enough to live in our new home. I spent the early morning doing my favorite things, catching up with news and journalism, reading every word I could, even in the vastness of what I read. I had lunch in town, I visited our Ace Hardware store for the first time. Already saw what will be our grocery store, just getting used to daily life. Introduced myself to the town leadership, found out about the arts events in the area. Almost instantly, the moment I stepped out into the day, I felt at home. I hope this is a home to us for quite awhile, and I began the continued experiment of democracy, by building a poll on twitter. We’re not finished moving yet, but today was the first time I felt a genuine confidence in what we’re doing, and all we’ve stood for in the pandemic. Today was just a simple day of rest, but not without it’s miracles. I can’t wait to be more involved with the community here. Maybe I’m naive, but I feel so much hope right now. The wind is rising and falling all around the apartment. My partner is resting peacefully on the couch. Our cat was brave enough to walk around a little in our space, and I’m listening. Every sound is a cause for joy, here in the natural world. I hope all cities are like this some day, just a place to be, where everything feels so peaceful. I love this town. I love California, and today only strengthed that bond, that I hope will never end.

We made it.

We’re still in the very beginning of this. My partner and I are moving to Fairfax, in Marin. The differences between our two cities are vast. One one hand, we will be living almost completely in a forest. Here in our current home, we are in an industrial district. The differences are vast. We’re at a moment that is critical to our lives. This could be a simple break, or it could be the beginning of something truly great. That’s not entirely up to me. It’s going to take all of us. It’s going to take everything we’ve got. We have to come together, we have to live in each other’s truth. Can we do this? Yes, it’s possible, for my part, I’ll do all I can, I’ll give until I collapse, and still wake up every morning and give again. I’m used to it. So it should be OK, but to everyone I saw out today, let’s all come together, my truth has been told in this blog. My word is good. I’m here for both cities, and for now, I ask that you give us some peace. We need it for a few moments, and listen to us as I listen to you. We’ll get through this. There’s a chance we can build a greater tomorrow, overcome hate and welcome each other into a new world. I’m about to collapse for the night, absolutely exhausted, but I’m here catching up at the end of this day, and the beginning of the new.

Two Days

Well, it’s two days until we’re at our new apartment, after almost seven years going to school in San Francisco. We’re moving into what’s been described to us as a retreat, and in many cases, it is. We’ve had wins and losses in life, some small and some dramatic ones, and at a certain point I just came to the conclusion that it’s really time to not define things in those terms. I’ve often thought about what I will write about in my next work. And after spending time with my work for the earlier period of the year, in summer I decided that it’s really time to draw my thoughts more toward the climate change happening that defines our lives. Every battle we’ve fought, even against the overriding desire to just create peace, sometimes we’ve realized that we were never fighting at all. All of us will lose if we don’t find a way to ease the stress of this world. And we all have the responsiblity. I’m not fullly aware of what implications this has. There are so many interlocking realities with how social issues and economics, and political discourses this shift holds, and I’ll be reading about for awhile. That will be my focus in my writing. I still don’t feel completley safe, but I’m ready to stop thinking about myself for awhile, I’ve come to recognize my truth, helped by so many, but turning toward this is still a part of that. If we really get a good look at ourselves, we find our interconnectedness of all of our lives, our history and future, that we all share.

Four days

There are four more days until we move to live in the forests, there are four days before I hope to be able to make art again. There are four days before I can read all the books I’ve never been able to read since I began studying, four days before I can just breathe. Four days until I am able to be with my partner, R, four days until I can continue learning to cook. It’s going to be a difficult week. Our next move is all I have ever asked for. A peaceful place to be quiet, a window large enough to let the nature again. Yet four days we will leave our home in the east bay. Four days to enjoy it here. Four days until I can be here with the people I love so dear. It’s been a difficult decade. It’s been a difficult year. But I have so much hope tonight, at the end of this memorial day. I hope it is four days to find a place of mourning, and four days to fill our space with light. The next few days will be difficult. But I think we can manage it. Because there are four days to remember, and four days to let go.

Camera

One beautiful morning, a figure appeared. Draped in secrecy, a camera was taken, analyzing every split second of time, in order to find any kind of hate that could be used to destroy a delicate soul. Every move it made was analyzed with a lens of hate. built not in reality but lies. I looked at the figure directly and said very simply, why don’t you do the same thing to find the good. That’s the truth. That’s the way we find true peace.

Memorial Day

There is so much to mourn this memorial day. The fallen heroes, the people that have given us so much freedom that we will never understand. The wars and all of the loss of lives, that are only called into awareness in extremes. The veterans who still have medical conditions that take so much care. The loss of innocence that comes from our cultures, and the scars, both real and emotional, that pervade our cultures during war and it’s aftermath. The communities divided by violence, both real and ecomical. The teaching of war in our stories, the lost hope of all the happy endings. It’s been a hard year. The months lost by fear, the pandemic and all of it’s casualties. I mourn my own loss of innocence, through constant fear, and the strength it takes to even look around. Our privacy in the digital enviorments, and the constant harassement so many of us can feel.

The only thing that has kept my spirits up this memorial day. The journalists, the sound of cars rolling by peacefully in the evening, the beauty of simple sounds. The songs I turn to again, all of these things have kept me going. The people going by who guard us in every way they can. All of these things have kept me alive in all this. I’ve been so voiceless lately. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t summon the strength for one more post. And that’s when I can truly speak again. I can’t ever approach the concept of war, I’ll never know, even in my greatest trauma, what our soldiers feel in the lives they’ve chosen. The absolute dedication to all of us. Can we give back? Will it ever be enough? I’ll remember all of these things this memorial day. But one thing I know. I will never stop listening. I’ll be here for every part of the story of this nation, I’ll always be a student learning about our complex postion in the history of the world. Thank you, everyone, this memorial day. I’ll be reading and standing symbolically beside you, as we spend our time with our families, and reach for a new day, as we emerge from this year, and find our world with you, again and again, every day.

Growing Up

We’ve been making a lot of choices about our lives over the past few days. I went through so much of my school work, and I basically said, that was all learning. But somehow, today. I feel like my lost identity was recovered. In the afternoon and morning, I heard sounds that were incredible, so I got my bowls down and started playing a soft hum, and it enveloped my day. I really feel like this is the first day of really being an adult, so needed. So necessary. It’s been a great afternoon of just listening to wind sounds and enjoying the open air. Our world may still be in chaos, but tonight, I think I see a clear path forward. I hope all of you are having a great holiday, and I hope everyone finds the joy and peace that I feel tonight.

The Path of Art

I built my life, with great sacrifice and dedication, in a field of so much pain, yet many want to take it from me. My compositions, mypaintings, my music and my art. But I know they’re wrong. They sometimes treat me as if my life was a game. This is sick, I remind myself, and can’t let my life be moved this way. In my mind I find the forest, a place to take a respite, a place for more dreams to take hold, yet I wonder, if my truth is my own, I assure you, I will always make art, and music, someday when I’m ready, I will make art again. I know the truth of my art, it comes from my heart, my mind, what I give in dedication, to the dreams around me, the realities, which only I truly know as my own. May we all have a space to live, a space to dream, our own world to understand. And maybe then, at the borders of our invisible precipices, we will meet each other, all of us, in unison, to make our voices stronger, because we each know ourselves. For as the Buddha taught “A man who conquers himself is greater than one who conquers a thousand men in battle”.