Today, abruptly, I left the San Francisco Zen Center, one day into a quarantine before I was supposed to enter the school. Yet I had a long night of fear, and realized I’m not quite ready for this step. I hoped to learn so much there. The pain I had to suffer through the night reminded me of this though: The lotus can only grow in mud, uneasy circumstances that give birth to our greatest hopes and dreams. I’ll never forget walking through the temple on my way, lost in the labyrinth of hallways, and stepping into the Zendo for the first time, alone. My time there was magical, and I hope to return someday, but for now, my home needs me, I need to be home, and perhaps this was not the right time for me, but someday it will.